How To Live With A Ball Of Fire In Your Chest And Not Get Burned Alive

1. Tell yourself that it wasn’t a big deal. 

It was nothing, really. 

2. Admit that it wasn’t great, but it wasn’t that bad. 

Many people go through far worse, 

you don’t really have a right to complain. 

3. Concede that it wasn’t okay, and it shouldn’t have happened, 

but you were to blame too. 

It was probably something you said – 

or maybe something you didn’t say. 

4. Comfort yourself with the knowledge that they didn’t mean any harm. 

Sure, anyone you’ve recounted events to has been horrified, 

but they had no idea they were causing damage.

Everyone makes mistakes, even you. 

5. Realise that it wasn’t your fault. 

Admit that they had no reason not to know better. 

Accept that nobody deserves to be treated like that. 

Feel a small fire spark up in your chest, no bigger than a candle flame, 

but remind yourself that there’s no use dwelling on the past. 

6. Move on with your life, until one random Wednesday 

when something unrelated brings you to the brink of tears 

and you notice smoke coming from your ears. 

Suddenly discover the small flame in your chest has grown into a blaze. 

Try and put it out with denial, or minimisation, or self-blame, 

but find that they’re long gone.

All that’s left is burning hot rage. 

7. Let out an animalistic scream; 

the kind that uses up every last bit of air in your lungs 

and leaves your voice hoarse and your throat feeling raw. 

Pound into a pillow with your fists. 

Weep for your past self, 

your current self, 

your future self, 

and watch your tears act like gasoline to the flames. 

8. Start mentally planning out a revenge fantasy, 

 then shake your head to get rid of it. 

Feel guilty for not being able to forgive them 

and naive for still wanting to give them the benefit of the doubt. 

9. Share your feelings in ramblings to family and friends,

and poems written at 4am, in a futile attempt to quell the fire. 

Feel the flames spreading through your body. 

Feel them turning you bitter – antagonistic, even. 

Realise you don’t know how to live with a ball of fire in your chest 

and not get burned alive.

Isabel Mya